It feels like a long time to arrive here. To think about beginning again, reboot. The cancer story has been in and out of my life now for over 4 years. Crazy experiences to say the least. Several surgeries, bone infection, air lift in helicopter (what a ride), radiation twice, and now chemo twice. December 2023 I started the second and I hope last treatment. March 4 is the last infusion of chemo. We got it good this time and with added new inventive immunotherapy, plans to keep it away is the plan.
I have so many to thank, so many things to say. I have started this new blog for these reasons. To process, to help others, to share. It will be filled with the healing journey, inspiration, humor and fun new adventures in not only business but personal.
Today I share this story:
My doctor warned me of the challenging time ahead. He was not joking, It was going to be a ride to navigate.
My first unknown to face was hair loss. After first treatment my denial of loosing my hair was strong but it happened pretty quick. Nurses shared that sometimes this was hardest on women. I cried seeing my first clumps coming out. A dear friend gave me advice as this began. Shave it off ASAP. So, in our living room, Charles shaved my head. Since then I had refused to uncover it to be seen. I felt shame and embarrassment. Even in shower I kept it covered. I saw myself a few times in mirror but I wanted nothing more to do with it.
Moving forward, I began to deeply reflect on life, realizing not only have I lost my hair, but I had lost so much of myself over the years. I was disconnected from my spiritual practice, any health lifestyle and fun hobbies were greatly lacking. Working myself into the ground and so busy that I couldn't see straight, lacking time with friends and family. Questions flowed. When was the last time I saw a waterfall? When did I read a book? Listen to music? Take a country drive? When did I take a nice walk in forest or sit in a coffeehouse? When did I breathe? I couldn't remember. Facing many sick days, dark nights, waking in the morning thinking of all the things I lost in growing up.
Not all doom and gloom, I promise, as the journey keeps progressing. It is now February and these dark nights have actually been more powerful then I realized. It is hard to see at times and didn't feel good, but necessary to reach any rebirth. We need the dark to have the light. As the plants in the dirt rise up to the light, I feel the symbiosis of winter into spring. I hold hope in this feeling. Great pain can bring great change.
A simple favorite flute sound came to me this past weekend. Native American Flute music, another big part of past joys I had forgotten. Giving into it, I bathed myself in the sound, closing my eyes and seeing images of the things I want to invite back into my life. A new love and self care invitation comes with this package deal. I thought of all the women before me, who lost their hair, had dark nights, pain, sickness, long treatment days, and still held their head high. Taking their balled pics saying this is me and I am doing it! I think about the women who came out the other side, rebuilding their lives and really living dreams fully. I think of the women hearing they have to start the journey. How can I be of help and care to them?
So, my hat comes off after 2 months. I received some wonderful shampoo and I treated myself to a spa morning, washing my balled head, feeling the soothing warm water pour over it, touching it and saying all is good, you are a part of me. No shame. I enjoyed a gentle breeze from the open window flowing over my hairless globe. Simple joy to be had. My hat comes off to all the warriors out there. I stand with them now. This is the truth of the journey.
With this healing and strength, I know I am going to step out into my power soon. Spring is coming. Going to see waterfalls, birdwatching, reading books, new hobbies, enjoying the forest, sipping coffee, pouring candles, traveling, building community, cook/bake galore and most important, breathing, are attainable. I have a tendency to want to do it all at once, but this will all be little enjoyable steps. The loss of hair will also change and looking forward to the first fuzzies that will return.
Remember the warriors out there giving the good fight. It can feel lonely. I encourage you all to pause and reflect and keep on living greatly in good health. This world is filled with wonder and goodness to be had.